Tag: shame

“I blew it. Again!”

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We all know the feelings of guilt and shame.  We all know that voice hurling accusations at us in our moment of weakness.   “You blew it again!”  “Can’t you keep it together?” “When will you get it right?”  “Disappointment!” “Disgrace!”  “Disqualified!”

How can you pray with these feelings? How can you come before God with this voice in your head? What would it take to silence the Accuser?

I find tremendous freedom in a vision shown to the prophet Zechariah.  It was when the first exiles returned from Persia to rebuild Jerusalem (520 BC).  Along with Haggai, Zechariah was exhorting the people to rebuild the temple to allow the Jews to worship God again. 

The vision of the court (Zachariah 3)

In this vision, Zechariah saw Joshua, the high priest standing before the Lord, with Satan accusing him.  The accusation?  Joshua was standing before the Lord with his ceremonial clothes covered in filth.  What’s the big deal? The high priest was the one man in Israel who had the privilege and responsibility of atoning for the sins of Israel once a year, reconciling the people to God. 

Only on the day of Yom Kippur (see Leviticus 16), the high priest could enter the most holy place to offer sacrifices to YHWH.  The custom was that the high priest would fast and pray the 24 hours leading up to Yom Kippur, confessing all his sins and cleansing himself in the presence of God, with groups of priests supporting him in prayer throughout the day. The next morning, he would wash himself, get dressed and enter the most holy place to offer a bull to atone for his personal sins.  He would walk out all bloodied, wash himself and get dressed in his next clothes. Then he would return to offer a ram to atone for the priesthood.  He would wash and get dressed again to atone for the sins of Israel by offering a goat.  Whenever he would enter the most holy place, he would have bells on his clothes and a rope around his ankle so that if he had unconfessed sins and died in the presence of God, the people could drag him out.  God is holy.

Here we have Joshua standing before the Lord covered in filth, guilty and shamed.  Joshua was the high priest that year – the one man who should keep it together so that Israel would have an example of godliness and a mediator before God.  And Satan did well to remind Joshua of that.  The accuser screams, “He is unfit!”  “He is unholy!”  “He is sinful!” “Disappointment!” “Disgrace!”  “Disqualified!” “Throw him in the fire!”

Not disgraced, disappointed or disqualified

SHAMED

To Joshua’s surprise, the Lord did not strike him dead.  The Lord did not seem surprised that Joshua was covered in filth.  He did not rebuke or strike Joshua.  Instead, the Lord rebuked the accuser, reminding him of three things:

  • Joshua was a man that was destined to the fire (condemnation), but the Lord had pity on him and saved him from the fire.
  • The Lord had chosen Joshua and his people Israel for himself – he has favour on Joshua and his people.
  • The Lord has chosen Jerusalem as his dwelling place and has therefore instituted the priestly order with Joshua, to mediate between him and his chosen people.

In short, the Lord has compassion for Joshua, has chosen Joshua, and set him apart as the high priest.  Joshua has not earned this prized position through his holy living – it is all grace.

Therefore, the Lord orders that Joshua’s filthy clothes be removed and that he be clothed in new high priestly clothes.  The Lord Himself has removed the sins from Joshua.

Then the Lord assures Joshua that his failure has not disqualified him from his priestly privileges.  Surprisingly, the Lord assures the man that if he continues to seek and serve God in his role, he will continually have access to his presence.  Moreover, Joshua will see the restoration of Israel and the coming of the Messianic reign. He has the privilege to play a part in this fulfilment!

A friend in need

One of the most beautiful moments in this scene is Zachariah’s response.  When he sees how graciously the Lord responds to his shamed friend, Zachariah gets excited and cries out, “Give him a clean headdress!”  Seeing his friend’s failure, the prophet did not join in the slandering of the accuser.  Nor did he stand by passively to see what happens next.  Rather, Zacheriah joined in the Lord’s effort to restore and encourage the fallen priest. “Give that priest new clothes to work with!”

A Mirror to my reality

I am a husband, a father, and a pastor of a congregation.  I am a leader, an example to others of how to walk in godliness.  Yet I fail. Often. I can deeply identify with Joshua’s sense of shame in the presence of God.  I know what it feels like to stand before God with dirty garments.  I have heard the words of the accuser ringing in my ears “You blew it, again!” “Can’t you keep it together, man?” “Failure!” “Hypocrite!” “Disgrace! “Disappointment!” “Disqualified!”

Accusation and shame are familiar companions to all the children of Adam and Eve who ate of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Their aim in life is to persuade you and me that we are a disgrace and disappointment to God, and that God has disqualified us to come before him. The accuser wants you to stay away from God and to give up on your purpose.

But Satan is a liar.

A Window into God’s Kingdom

Therefore I find so much comfort in how the Lord responds to Satan’s accusation of Joshua, God’s priest.  God tells Satan to keep quiet, to keep out of his business, to leave the priest alone.  Why? Because Joshua is God’s chosen priest, appointed by God to serve God by atoning for God’s people.

The whole chapter is framed in covenant language.  YHWH (the LORD, Israel’s covenant God) has chosen and redeemed Israel for himself to participate in His redemption and renewal of all creation.  God knows that all people are flawed – he remembers that he made them from dust. That is why God has instituted the priesthood, and why he chose Joshua to serve him as high priest: to atone for Israel’s sins and make peace between God and his people. 

Yet God knows that even the high priest is only a man.  He speaks of another High Priest called The Branch or The Stone (the foundation of his true temple), who will atone for Joshua’s sins.  Now Joshua can experience mercy and get cleansed by God.

A Door to God’s Kingdom

How should I respond?  How can I participate in this heavenly court scene?  There are two people here, and I am invited to play the roles of either Joshua or Zachariah in this vision.

When I hear the accuser condemning me, I see myself in the place of Joshua.  The accused priest does nothing except to:

  • hear the Lord’s rebuke of Satan
  • hear the Lord’s forgiveness
  • receive the new clean clothes,
  • and hear that he is not disqualified – he must continue confidently in his ministry!

This scene does not lure me to passivity.  Whenever I hear the accuser, I am invited to see myself in this scene before the Lord and wait until he rid me of the accusations, to declare me clean and acceptable in his sight. I wait on the Lord as David did in Psalms 62 and 130.

Secondly, I am invited to imitate Zachariah in this scene.  When I see a friend bent over under the burden of guilt and shame, I am invited to participate in the gracious Lord’s restoration.  I am urged to mirror the mercy of God: to announce a clean slate and encourage my friend to continue serving God with confidence in this fallen world.

When you stand in the presence of the Lord today, who do you feel like?  

Are you Joshua, burdened by shame and whipped by Satan’s accusations? Are you yearning for the Lord’s deliverance and loving restoration? “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne room of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”  Hebrews 4:16  
Or will you imitate Zachariah the prophet, seeking out that friend to encourage with the mercy of God?“A bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench.” Isaiah 42:3

Connection Beyond Fear

Posted in Marriage and family, RelationshipsTagged , , , , , 4 Comments

Post by guest writer Joanne Eksteen.

I was recently reminded of someone that had lost a child and a parent in a short time. I was deeply struck by it and carefully wondered how something so tragic is processed by the psyche. Perhaps I could unpack it somehow. Instead I ended up asking God “why?’. That age old question. Why are we able to deeply connect with people if that connection can be lost so easily? It hurts and can be devastating. What’s the point? Why bother? The prospect of connection suddenly scared me. I have often seen how that fear prevents people from connecting vulnerably with others. How even in marriage, individuals are hurt and withdraw into simple friendships with their spouses.

A couple of days later I came across this photo on Facebook.

brother_holding_sister

I felt God saying: “This is why…” I heard in my heart that without human connection, without relationship, life would be a fearful endeavour harder than what we would be able to imagine. It is a gift not only to enjoy but also to comfort us. It can be seen as an extension of God’s relationship with us and in many ways His hand at times. The process of connecting is so enriching, rewarding and supportive that it also creates in us, I believe, resilience. The ability to ‘bounce back’ after a challenge or hard time as an individual and as a couple. As a married person this is what one should hope for.

Because connecting with another human being puts us at risk of being hurt, pain from previous relationships in the form of loss, rejection, death, divorce or really anything else, can often stand in the way of deeply connecting with your spouse. It can stand in the way of trust and being able to give of yourself fully. Unresolved anger towards an ‘ex-partner’ or even parent or colleague may make you defensive and unable to be vulnerable with your spouse. Unforgiveness may have made your heart hard and therefore unable to connect. Shame may make you feel like you are unworthy and you may withdraw into a friendship with your spouse (a place where you may feel safe but where you miss out on the resilience, support and reward described above).

Often the answer is simple: forgiveness. In fact in most cases it is forgiveness. It is understanding that human beings including yourself are fallible but that God can heal and restore anything. Christ’s blood was shed for that very purpose. It is putting our faith in Him and not in her. It is a decision and then a process. You can learn to trust again. It may take time. It starts with an open discussion about that which you may have buried. It will probably be hard and uncomfortable but it WILL BE WORTH IT!

For reflection 

To help you grow in deeper connection with your spouse, discuss the following questions 

  1. Discuss the win your groups how previous relationships may be hindering the process of connecting with your spouse.
  2. Have you ‘shut’ anyone one out in your life promising yourself to never let that person or anyone else hurt you again? What do you feel towards that person? Have you forgiven them? Can you forgive them?
  3. Do you see yourself as worthy enough for your partner? Are you ashamed of anything?
  4. What do you think about self-forgiveness?  Is there anything you struggle to forgive yourself for?

*Bold words are themes to be discussed in this session (you don’t have to ask these exact questions)

Post and reflection questions by Joanne Eksteen.  Joanne is wife, a mother and a clinical psychologist with a passion to help people grow in healthy identity and relationships.

Growing intimately

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By Joanne Eksteen.

Intimacy is a gift from God to be enjoyed and to connect two people that have entered into the covenant of marriage. What does it mean then to connect intimately and why do so many of us miss this incredible gift?

To connect means to be completely vulnerable and open in the giving of oneself physically, emotionally and spiritually. For most this is difficult.  Often, when I put this thought to people, they report uncertainty regarding whether they can trust the other person to receive what they give in an accepting and graceful manner.

While this is important, it is really not about the other person. It is about that thing you think you need to trust the other person with. Do you accept that thing you think you need acceptance of? Do you believe that although you are not perfect, that God thinks of you as worthy? Whether you can trust the other person is really irrelevant. If what you give is not received in trust and acceptance – will you still be whole?

When you get to a place where you accept yourself and see yourself as God sees you, you are able to release the fear of being rejected. You no longer need to trust someone else. You can trust yourself. Shame is no longer an issue.

Only once we can give freely and without reservation, that which we consider worthy, are we open to receive. In turn your sense of self-worth will most likely be reinforced as you are able to receive and accept love in return. From this vantage point the view is spectacular!

Perhaps I can simplify this further? We all have a ‘sense of self’- the summation of an image we hold of ourselves. It is what we think of ourselves consciously and unconsciously. I was ‘top’ of my Maths class in High School. After a particularly hard test (or at least that was my perception), I walked out of the class huffing and puffing. My teacher asked me how it went and I replied: “terrible”.

She reflected: “…it is because you always focus on that which you think you got wrong and not on the 99 others that you got right…”. In life I have often struggled with this. Why is it that we are so afraid to let others see that 1 percent that is ‘wrong’, not perfect or bad?

I later realised that I needed to control everything to be ‘perfect’ in order to not let others see my shadowy or negative parts.  The reality is that we all have shady parts. The Bible tells us that we’re born in sin.

We also all have good parts I believe. In a real intimate relationship we need to be honest and vulnerable to the extent that you allow your partner into those shadowy parts. Only when we can give freely can we freely receive (the love and acceptance that should be returned). As partners we should be sensitive to our spouses’ vulnerability and never use it to hurt them. We should carefully choose the words we use to receive their vulnerability and care for them in that moment. And then…it’s your turn!

One of the largest barriers to intimacy is what I have described here i.e. poor self-acceptance, low self-esteem or shame. It feeds many of the other barriers that we often hear about. Take pornography for example. I believe porn to be an addiction and habit once it starts (an entire different story for another day) but how does it start? Porn starts when one tries to sooth the longing for intimacy but one is fearful of engaging in real intimacy as it would mean entering and sharing the shadowy waters of yourself. Instead porn in easily accessed and controlled (at least the first couple of times) and doesn’t ask any questions. It is not hard, takes little emotional effort, can’t reject you and you don’t need to fear it or trust it. You also don’t have to return the favour. Despite this, it doesn’t fulfill one’s real need and forces one to return time and time again.

Consider the barriers you experience to intimacy. Can you relate it to anything I have said above?

intimacy_collage2

Joanne Eskteen is wife, a mother and a clinical psychologist with a passion for identity and relational therapy.  

On a Journey of Intimacy

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Craving intimacy

Humans crave connectedness. We are creatures characterized by a desire for companionship, with a yearning to be known, a longing to be loved.  This is a primal need; even in paradise “it [was] not for man good to be alone” (Genesis 2:18).  Indeed much of our conscious and subconscious decisions are driven by this aching to “become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

In paradise, our ancestors were “naked and not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25), being fully satisfied in intimacy.  But now we no longer live in paradise, making connectedness and companionship so much more complex.  Although the desire for intimacy still burns fervently inside of us mankind’s fall has stained our spirits with shame – the knowledge of our imperfection, the nagging voice that there is something wrong with us.  The awareness of our flaws deceives us into believing we are unlovable, so like our parents in the Garden (Genesis 3:7-8) we try to “cover our nakedness” with futile fig leaves or hide to avoid closeness with others altogether in the shadows of our loneliness.  Thus, shame – this sense of unworthiness – brings a deep fear of rejection and closes one up, making intimacy impossible.

Therefore, to have and maintain intimate relationships one has to firstly believe that you are worthy to be loved and secondly embrace vulnerability, knowing that closeness with others will expose the true you in all your glory and imperfections.

An atmosphere of AWE

So one of the easiest ways of cultivating intimacy is to create a safe relational atmosphere that affirms worth and encouragement.  In Creating and Intimate Marriage Jim Burns writes about creating an atmosphere of A.W.E. (Affection, Warmth and Encouragement):

  • Affection says “You are loved!”  It speaks to the basic need to feel loved through a gentle touch,  a hug a kiss and the loving tone in words of endearment affirms the worth of the other and strengthens the relational bond.
  • Warmth says “You are valued!”  by creating a friendly, welcoming and positive atmosphere within the home or relationship.  It is communicated by the attention we listen with, the attitude we respond with, and the air we speak with. It is strengthened through a culture of honour and celebration, creating an environment to which people would want to return.
  • Encouragement says “You are doing great!” It refers to a healthy habit of affirmation, praising both the worth and accomplishments of the other, and constantly recognizing the efforts and contributions of the other with giving thanks.  Encouragement aims to build the other up.

This Atmosphere of AWE affirms the worth of the other and creates a safe milieu conducive for vulnerability, allowing hearts to gently grow closer together. Even during difficult relationships seasons, creating a positive atmosphere through affection, warms and encouragement will result in increased joy and intimacy – even if just one in the couple keep to it.

Greater capacity for intimacy

intimacy_collage1
Our pursuit of intimacy proves difficult at times, but these moments of loving closeness brings delightful joy!

Over the next seven weeks we will embark on a journey of intimacy, specifically designed to help you grow in your personal capacity to be intimate within marriage.

  • Firstly we will consider our view of intimacy, including spiritual, emotional and physical (sexual) intimacy.  While we evaluate our view of intimacy we will also consider the nature of shame at work in our relationships and see how we can recognize and limit this destructive dynamic in our interactions.
  • Secondly we will recognize other barriers to intimacy, considering general stress as well as relational tension caused by unresolved conflict leading to anger, unforgivess and bitterness. Other major barriers to intimacy include self-centeredness, laziness, pornography, and physiological issues.
  • Thirdly we will consider how to enhance our capacity for intimacy by growing in courage for vulnerability, a stronger sense of worth and identity, as well as embracing the attitude of a servant lover.  We will also focus on the importance of consistently securing a safe space (through our actions and communications) within our relationships in which both we and the others can entrust themselves.
  • Lastly we will devote time in which we will deal with sexual intimacy, considering the the different ways with which men and women generally approach lovemaking, and how to prioritize physical intimacy in our busy lives and homes.

We all can grow in our capacity to love and feel loved.  Come join us on this journey of intimacy!