This post by guest author Joanne Eksteen. 

In the last couple of weeks we have looked at couple intimacy. After hearing yet another story from a couple that felt that their intimate life is in shambles I wondered about what they really wanted? I got the sense she wanted him to say that he loves and wants her desperately and that he wanted her to say that he is everything that she has ever wanted and more. Instead there they sat saying: “he said/she said”. 
I must be honest in situations like this my own heart often aches for the couple but I also find myself wanting to scream: “what do you want?” It is therefore this question I pose to you as we reach the end of our journey of intimacy. 

If you were miraculously touched by an angel in the middle of the night and didn’t realise that a miracle had happened (i.e. you marriage/intimate life was ‘perfect’) the next morning when you woke, what would be different? How would it be? What would others notice in your behaviour that would tell them something had happened? What would your children see? What would the fly on the wall in your bedroom see? How would you speak to each other? What would your non-verbal communication be like? How would you love each other? How would you romance one another? How and how often would you have sex? Please be specific in the detail in answering these questions. 

Many of us are stuck in problem-focussed arenas. We simply fight to survive. The truth is we are not slaves and should be dreaming of more than survival. The questions posed above are not rhetorical. Please ask/answer everyone in detail. Facilitators please pay careful attention to the body language and non-verbal communication of each member while answering these questions. In most you will see emotion as they are forced to break negative brain schemas and thinking patterns. Please comment on the emotion. As people move towards more solution-focussed thinking they often begin to smile and become more relaxed. You can comment on this and ask them why they are smiling. Please reinforce this. The exercise is frustrating for most and they will continue to drift towards problem-talk using words like but/won’t/can’t. Kindly stop them and ask the question again. They must answer strictly to the point. Remember a miracle has happened and there are no limits with miracles. 

You may want to break into small groups for this. Please choose the groups wisely.  Please explore romance in more depth if possible (to continue next week).